If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
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“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Yes my dude
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”