My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
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When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.