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My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.