“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
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I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
I came this close!!!!
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.