H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
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Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
yall want some gasoline milk
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Good news
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed