My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
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A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.