fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
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My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!