Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
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I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
My dog ate my work from home.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
My dress code is business-casualty.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Monica just destroyed the internet
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.