there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
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The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Yup!
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??