What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
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A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I’m crying im so happy for them
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
how to have an accident 101
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.