My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
You Might Also Like
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert