Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
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Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
☺️
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Whoa… oh I see lol
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am