A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
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Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Just had my nails done!
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.