While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
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[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.