BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
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hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.