I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
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At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
The news in a nutshell.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone