Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
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“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]