Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
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It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
The Onion called it…again.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.