Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
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The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
True?
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Harsh but fair
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?