Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
You Might Also Like
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I want to meet the individual who made this
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”