[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
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What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
*puts my mental health in rice
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”