“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
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Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
When he asks for feet pics
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?