Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
You Might Also Like
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
😬
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.