(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
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My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Friends that check up on you >
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…