All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
You Might Also Like
My kitchen overserved me.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*