God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
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I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Lol.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.