[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
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I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.