Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
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this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
huge if true: the moon
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*