Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
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date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I am a:
âŞď¸ boy
âŞď¸ girl
đ dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
âŞď¸ lover
âŞď¸ friend
đ mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
A lot of people donât realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
*throws away a paper clip I havenât used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Bloody internet đł
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I charge people $5 if they say âIt is what it is.â
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Sometimes I need a break from myself but itâs like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
iâm addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like âhey guysâ and then they release merch that says âhey guysâ and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I donât
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: Weâre going where?