her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
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I love it all
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?