I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
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And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN