I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
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My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
This tree does a lot of weird exercises