In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
You Might Also Like
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.