I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
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*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all