I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
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I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮