Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
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what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Spring of Deception
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
My patience has stretch marks.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.