What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
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It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”