*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
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Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
new wife guy just dropped
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Moms. The original autocorrect.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!