[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
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Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅