I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
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If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD