My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
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did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
at ease…shoulder.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks