*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
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Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
doing your own taxes
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.