I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
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“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.