THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
You Might Also Like
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same