If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
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The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?