It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
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If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.