People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
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HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!