Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
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4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)