the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
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Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”