Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
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Lmfaoooooo
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.